I never even really wanted the stupid flower. And it’s not worth the price I have to pay.
My father asked each of us what we would like from his trip to the city and my stepsisters’ eyes lit up with the glow that they only get when gifts are mentioned. Stella wanted jewels, of course. She requested rubies and garnets to match her new red silk dress. And sapphires to match her eyes. Diana wanted dresses, yards of silk and velvet. She wanted lace petticoats and all fabrics in the brightest colors. She requested the most expensive ones, naturally. And then he turned to me, expecting me to demand something equally inane and ridiculous.
I asked him for the most beautiful flower he could find.
I wanted him to see that I was different, that I wasn’t like them. Maybe I just wanted to him to look at me and really see me for once. He hadn’t really met my eyes since mother died. I didn’t really want a flower. I wanted my father back.
It was October then. The flowers were starting to die. Maybe I just wanted to hold on to a little piece of beauty in this season of darkness, to prove to myself that life really does go on. And once I had said it, I couldn’t take it back.
He wrote it down on his list with the other requests, one more item to check off. He didn’t look at me. He just muttered a gruff good-bye and shouldered his bag. I tried to keep the tears from my eyes as he walked out to the waiting carriage and left without a backward glance.
I knew Stella and Diana would mock me mercilessly if I cried.
Daddy’s little girl, they called me, knowing he had barely spoken to me since Mother died.
“Does the little baby miss her daddy?” Diana crooned in her saccharine voice.
I walked up the stairs to the garret, knowing they wouldn’t follow me. They hate mice.
******
He came back on the first of December, looking much older than his forty years. I barely recognized him and the sorrow in his face was painful to look at. We all rushed out to meet him.
Diana and Stella yelled at the servants to help with the trunks; they wanted to get a look at the gifts he’d brought. They wanted to see if the jewels were big enough and if the silks were rich enough. They’d find something to complain about.
The coachman gingerly helped Father down from his seat in the carriage. As soon as his feet were on the ground, he stumbled over to me. Tears were in his eyes. Before I had the chance to say anything, he’d wrapped me up in his arms. He held me tightly and for the first time since Mother died, I knew how much he really loved me.
He pulled back for a moment and looked into my eyes. I smiled at him and he could hold back no more.
“I’m sorry,” he told me, right before he burst into tears.
******
The servants helped him inside as he wept and I watched, unable to move.
Finally, when all the things had been packed away, all of the fine things properly admired by my stepsisters, who couldn’t care less about father’s condition, we all sat in the parlor.
Stella and Diana draped themselves across the couches and the servants had placed father in the easy chair. Stepmother was away on a visit, so I wouldn’t have to suffer her haunting presence while Father told his story.
The rose lay on the coffee table. Even in the dim firelight, it gave off an otherworldly glow, its scarlet petals becoming embers in our eyes.
I sat down at his knees and looked up at him, waiting for him to begin. He took my hand and held it between his own thin white ones.
“All was well while I was in the city,” he began quietly. “I was able to trade our goods for a fair value. Swiftly, I found as many beautiful gems as any young lady could want and found enough yards of expensive silks to clothe an army of princesses.”
He nodded at my stepsisters and I smirked, knowing that there would never be enough jewels or expensive clothes to satisfy them. He took a deep breath and continued.
“But I could not find any flowers. There were none beautiful enough for my little girl. I visited every florist and merchant in the city. I looked at Dutch tulips and English primroses. I sought every flower imaginable, but in the dark of winter, they were all beginning to wilt and I could not disgrace myself by bringing home a wilted flower. None of the silk flowers were lovely enough. Finally, I resigned myself to coming home empty-handed.”
He looked down at me.
“I hoped you would forgive me,” he said. “We left the city at noon, two days ago, hoping to ride through the night and arrive by morning. I was a fool. We should’ve waited until the next morning but I was eager to be home again, after so many weeks spent away. I didn’t want to wait. So, like a spoiled child, I commanded the servants to load up the carriage. We left just as the sun began to sink.”
“The forest at midnight was not the one we had known during the day. The paths turned and betrayed us. The familiar landmarks hid themselves and the canopy of black branches crowded out the starlight. Soon we were lost, with nothing but a single lantern to light the way. We had almost given up hope. We decided to stop where we were and spend the night in the carriage. Daylight would show us the way home, we hoped, but then the lantern showed us the garden.”
“It was the most beautiful garden I have ever seen in my life. It was filled with every flower I’ve ever known and plenty that I could not name. The colors blended together, brilliant reds and blues and greens and purples. It looked like an exotic painting. And surrounded by snow, in the dead of winter, these flowers bloomed as though it was May. I saw the roses almost immediately. They sat at the heart of the garden and they glowed as though the sun itself lay inside them. ”
“The garden stood at the foot of a great castle. We hadn’t noticed it before. The entire structure sat in darkness, with not a single window lit. I thought, surely its owners must have abandoned it for warmer climes. And I thought that they wouldn’t begrudge me one little rose. They probably wouldn’t even notice one missing, I thought, not after they had been gone for so long.”
“I climbed out of the carriage and made my way to the center of the garden, careful not to trample any flowers. I removed the pen-knife from my belt and gingerly clipped a red rose. I was looking at the flower in my hands when a roar knocked me off my feet.”
“My hands sprang to cover my ears from the painful noise and the rose fell to the ground as I met the gaze of a fearsome beast. He must’ve been over nine feet tall, covered in a shaggy brown fur. One of his claws wrapped itself around my throat as he lifted me off my feet. His grip began to choke the life from me and I couldn’t breathe. A deep gurgling voice, accompanied by a foul stench, came from his snout.
‘What are you doing here? You thought you could steal MY roses and get away with it?’
I couldn’t reply, couldn’t find the air, but somehow, I must’ve coughed out the words ‘my daughter,’ because I swiftly found myself hurled down on the snowy turf.
His eyes narrowed and he growled at me as I struggled to scoot away. I could see sharp white teeth, each as long as my finger. I dreaded what he would do to me next.
‘What about your daughter?’
I explained to him your request and how I couldn’t return home without a gift for you. I explained,” he tripped over his words here, and fresh tears fell from his eyes. “I explained how much I love you.”
“He told me that a price must be paid. He said… he said that I would take the flower but only in return for a life. That I must return there, to his castle, a week from that day, or that I must send you in my place.”
He stopped talking and broke down weeping.
I knew then what I must do and I hated it. I knew I could not let him go back into that forest. I could not let him face that creature.
I only asked for that silly flower because I wanted my father to notice me. And now, thanks to one foolish choice, I’ll never see him again.
******
I lay on an old sofa in the garret. My eyes stared into the dark, but the night was moonless and black. The house around me was silent and if I concentrated, I could almost feel the heat of sleeping bodies in the rooms beneath me.
“Get up,” I told myself, forcing my arms to push me up off of the dusty old sofa. My feet flumped onto the floor quietly.
I wanted to stay up there, to lie in the quiet and the warmth of that dusty old attic forever. I didn’t want to leave. And I really didn’t want to imagine what was waiting for me out in that forest. But I had to.
I pulled myself up and picked up the bag that I had packed. I slung it over my shoulder as I headed down the stairs. It wasn’t heavy. I decided not to take very much with me. I took some bread and dried sausage from the kitchen, along with a brick of hard cheese. And I took whatever warm clothes would fit, a few pairs of woolen leggings and some warm sweaters.
The stairs creaked as I made my way down to the second floor, but I wasn’t worried about waking anyone up. My stepmother and stepsisters were sound sleepers. My father was a light sleeper, but I knew that he’d taken a calming draught before he went to sleep and nothing would rouse him any time soon.
I could hear my stepsisters’ snoring through their bedroom doors and for once I was grateful. It made the night less hazy, less like a dream. And it made what I was about to do seem a little less real.
I walked softly down the hall, past my stepsisters’ room and slowly turned the knob to enter my father’s bedroom. My stepmother lay on the opposite side of the bed, facing the window and I was grateful I wouldn’t have to see her hateful face again.
He was facing me, snoring softly, nothing like the grunts and snorts coming out of my stepmother. His face was drawn and thin. There was much more white in his hair now. The moonlight cast a bluish glow across his face, making him look ghostly in the half-darkness. I hope he would get better, even if I wasn’t there to see it.
The rose lay on the cherry-wood table by his bed, glowing softly in the moonlight. I knelt over him and planted a last kiss on his cheek. He stayed fast asleep. I felt the tears building behind my eyes, so I grabbed the rose and left the room quickly. The kiss didn’t wake him but crying most definitely would. I calmed myself as I walked down the last flight of stairs and into the main hall.
I pulled on my boots and put on my warmest coat. I opened the door and blue moonlight flooded the room, casting everything in grey. I took a deep breath and looked around the house, seeing it for the last time before I shut the door behind me and walked out into the night.
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